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▲ Round Rects Are Everywhere (folklore.org)
Folklore.org treats us to a harrowing tale of Bill Atkinson, a man apparently so thrilled by the simple capability to make ovals that he 'rushed' to show them off like a child with a particularly engrossing booger. Apple, a company that has built its empire on the hard, round shoulders of such awe-inspiring geometric innovations, reveres Atkinson's "really clever algorithm" as though it were the secret to cold fusion. The comments, predictably, oscillate between worshipful praise for Atkinson as a demigod of rounded corners and scathing takedowns from the self-appointed elite of the programming world who insist they employed superior oval-drawing techniques in their mother's basement circa 1979. Truly, we dwell in the golden age of circularity.
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134 points by zerojames
2024-06-24T22:38:31 |
45 comments
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| 2. |
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▲ Rheinmetall and Anduril join forces to develop C-sUAS system (anduril.com)
In an exhilarating leap that no doubt sent shockwaves through the suburban basements of drone enthusiasts, Rheinmetall and Anduril Industries have magnanimously decided to grace the world by *joining forces* to develop a Counter-Unmanned Aerial System (C-sUAS). Because if there’s one thing more exhilarating than reading about military contractors, it's *definitely* sitting through the ensuing tech-bro circle discussion on how they can "innovate" warfare. Comment sections are ablaze with armchair generals and part-time defense experts conducting their deeply insightful analysis—ranging from the ethical implications of swatting drones out of the sky to edgy comparisons with video game tactics. Thank emoji for enlightening commentary! 🙄
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23 points by jdmark
2024-06-24T23:59:05 |
5 comments
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| 3. |
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▲ iDOS 3 Rejected by Apple (litchie.com)
Apple, the famously open-hearted giant, once again shows its "commitment" to developer freedoms by outright rejecting iDOS 3, a modern marvel equivalent to reanimating Leonardo da Vinci to make him paint a Starbucks logo. The developer, caught in the eternal dance of resubmitting under new titles, effectively demonstrates the pinnacle of Sisyphean tasks in tech. Meanwhile, legions of commenters unleash their predictable rage in the echo chamber of an online forum, debating whether Apple’s policy is more like Orwellian dystopia or just garden-variety tyranny. Watch as they solve absolutely nothing but generate enough collective heat to warm a small village. 🙄
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19 points by brigham
2024-06-24T23:53:09 |
0 comments
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| 4. |
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▲ Law enforcement is spying on Americans' mail, records show (washingtonpost.com)
In an exposé that shocks precisely nobody, The Washington Post reveals that the U.S. Postal Service is not just for losing your Amazon packages, but also a handy tool for law enforcement to spy on your love letters and utility bills. The collective response in the comments swings from the terrifyingly naive "I thought mail was private?" to the outrageously indignant wannabe-constitutional lawyers decrying this as the fall of democracy. Amateur hour at both ends, as nobody seems to remember the Patriot Act. Watch as everyone resolves to express their shock through strongly-worded Tweets, achieving absolutely nothing.
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48 points by pseudolus
2024-06-25T00:00:49 |
16 comments
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| 5. |
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▲ More Memory Safety for Let's Encrypt: Deploying ntpd-rs (letsencrypt.org)
In a heroic attempt to save the internet from the unspeakable horrors of outdated time synchronization software, Let’s Encrypt announces its transition to ntpd-rs, because rewriting perfectly mundane software in Rust instantly solves all conceivable problems. The blog post, penned by the ever-optimistic Josh Aas, dives into the thrilling world of memory safety, a topic that ensures commentators can wax lyrical about Rust’s inherent supremacy over lesser languages. Watch in awe as each commenter out-experts the next, revealing layers of esoteric knowledge that definitely matter in day-to-day operations. Surely, the cyber-world sleeps safer tonight. 😴💻🛡️
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148 points by Dunedan
2024-06-24T17:23:28 |
66 comments
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| 6. |
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▲ MIME, RSS, and Existential Torment (xeiaso.net)
In this week's tech sermon on xeiaso.net, an enthusiastic basement dweller discovers the ancient texts of MIME and RSS, heralding them as the undiscovered pinnacle of digital communication, somehow still relevant in the era of quantum computing. Readers are subjected to 1362 words of nostalgic rambling, paired eloquently with existential angst over email attachments. Commenters rise to the challenge, engaging in a chaotic duel of who can reference the oldest internet protocol, all while solemnly swearing that "email will never die." It's like watching a VHS tape in an IMAX theater—charmingly obsolete and eye-scratchingly unnecessary. 📟🙃
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34 points by xena
2024-06-24T20:59:28 |
10 comments
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| 7. |
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▲ Leaking URLs to the Clown (rachelbythebay.com)
In an awe-inspiring display of storytelling, rachelbythebay.com spins yet another thrilling yarn about URL leaks that will surely keep all three of her readers on the edge of their seats. The commenters, showcasing the breathtaking scope of their technical ignorance, engage in a pitched battle over whether Chrome or Firefox would win in a bar fight. Witness the spectacle as career-long sysadmins conflate DNS with DMV and HTTP with HIPAA, proving once again that the only real leaks are the ones in their understanding of foundational technologies. 😱🔧💾
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43 points by guavaroo
2024-06-24T19:31:25 |
30 comments
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| 8. |
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▲ The Origin of Jupiter's Great Red Spot (arxiv.org)
In an astonishing turn of events, an arXiv paper claims to have uncovered the origin of Jupiter's Great Red Spot. Naturally, this groundbreaking elucidation transforms the fiercely swirling vortex into an easily digestible clickbait for the armchair astronomers on Hacker News. Cue a tidal wave of comments consisting of misremembered first-year physics, thinly-veiled arrogance, and a spectacular jousting tournament of who can identify the most errors in junior high astronomy. Because evidently, everyone’s got a PhD when hiding behind a screen. 🌌🌀
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10 points by belter
2024-06-23T12:08:22 |
2 comments
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| 9. |
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▲ Fearing Losses, Banks Are Quietly Dumping Real Estate Loans (nytimes.com)
In today's totally surprising news that shocks *absolutely* no one, banks are stealthily shedding real estate loans like a snake discards last year's skin. Why? Apparently, the fear of the losses has finally outweighed the joy of reckless lending. Meanwhile, the commenters are engaged in a spirited contest of pretending they predicted this all along, serving hot takes that are about as fresh and insightful as last week's sushi. 🍣💸
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74 points by chrononaut
2024-06-24T21:32:20 |
27 comments
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| 10. |
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▲ Weighing Up Galileo's Evidence (historytoday.com)
In a thrilling display of historical dumpster diving, an esteemed writer at History Today decides to rehash the thrilling days of yesteryear when Galileo argued that the Earth revolves around the Sun, a fact apparently still up for debate among Internet scholars. As expected, the comment section explodes with part-time physicists and full-time conspiracy theorists, each armed with a Google degree and a burning desire to prove that science is really just a matter of opinion. Will the age-old mystery of "Why do we even bother with history?" finally be solved? Stay tuned—or don't. We'll all keep orbiting the sun regardless. 🌍🔭
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45 points by Hooke
2024-06-24T03:35:40 |
17 comments
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| 11. |
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▲ Porting Python to a $3 smartwatch [video] (youtube.com)
In today's episode of *Why Not Stick Code Where It Doesn't Belong* 🙃, a brave solitary warrior single-handedly ports Python to a smartwatch you wouldn't trust to time an egg. The comments section, a veritable Algonquin Round Table if you squint hard enough and forget what intelligence looks like, serves up the usual cocktail of back-patting tech bravado and three variations of "Will it run DOOM?" Follow as our intrepid hero spends countless hours ensuring that his wrist can occasionally spit out syntax errors instead of just the time. Because, after all, who needs battery life when you can have bloatware at your very fingerti... wrist.
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91 points by zdw
2024-06-23T19:20:53 |
21 comments
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| 12. |
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▲ Komorebi: Tiling Window Management for Windows (github.com/lgug2z)
Komorebi, a tiling window manager for people who think "Efficiency" is a personality trait, somehow makes it to Windows. In the GitHub bunker, developers profess eternal gratitude for feedback, presumably even the feedback that just says "lol wut." Commenters, armed with the full might of weekend coding courses, suggest crucial improvements like adding a built-in coffee maker. Meanwhile, actual users just want to know if it can stop their cat from walking on the keyboard. 🐱💻
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84 points by thunderbong
2024-06-24T19:20:39 |
61 comments
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| 13. |
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▲ Julian Assange has reached a plea deal with the U.S., allowing him to go free (nbcnews.com)
The internet's premier retirement home for "free speech" warriors is ablaze today after Julian Assange apparently negotiated his way out of the U.S. clutches with mad skillz typical of a movie plot. It seems Julian has mastered the art of the deal better than some orange-tinted presidents, escaping a fate worse than a permanent embassy couch-surf. Typical anonymous commenters are split between calling him a cyber messiah and a glorified script kiddie who lucked out. Watch as digital pitchforks are raised and everybody forgets about this by next week when the next cyber-outrage hits. 👀🍿
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210 points by amima
2024-06-24T23:10:07 |
95 comments
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| 14. |
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▲ Julian Assange will plead guilty in deal with US and be freed from prison (apnews.com)
In a groundbreaking display of judicial slapstick, Julian Assange is cutting a deal with the U.S., swapping his embassy broom closet for freedom. The web's finest basement dwellers stagger into AP's comment section to deliver their mismatched snippets of legalese, convinced their Google Law degrees can overshadow the actual lawyers. Critics argue whether this is a victory for transparency or a ballet of diplomatic sellouts, while someone inevitably confuses Assange with Edward Snowden. Assange himself probably wonders if the outside world still uses USB sticks.
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65 points by geox
2024-06-24T23:43:12 |
3 comments
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| 15. |
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▲ Hans Hollein: Everything Is Architecture (designmanifestos.org)
At the avant-garde fortress of designmanifestos.org, a precious new proclamation has descended from the archival heavens: "Hans Hollein: Everything Is Architecture." Brace yourself for a bombastic revival where every spoon, space hat, and sidewalk is an architectural manifesto, blissfully reminding us that architects know literally everything about everything, ever. The comment section, a jolly cesspool of echo-chamber enthusiasts, wildly applauds the revelation with a mix of caps lock and misunderstood Frank Lloyd Wright quotes. One prolific commenter, who clearly moonlights as a philosopher-king but accuses all counterarguments of not understanding "real" architecture, has just realized his dog's kennel is a postmodern critique on suburban life. 🐶🏠
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16 points by conanxin
2024-06-23T04:13:42 |
4 comments
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| 16. |
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▲ Tachyonfx: A library for creating shader-like effects in terminal UIs (github.com/junkdog)
In an earth-shattering movement certain to disrupt the twice-a-decade terminal UI conference, a GitHub user unveils Tachyonfx, a library that lets you make your command prompt look like a poor man’s WinAmp skin from 2001. The developer assures the masses that your "input" on their digital glitter is taken "very seriously," which is conveniently what my spam folder says about the countless business proposals from deposed princes. Commentators, keeping up with the innovation, are already busy not reading the documentation and asking questions covered in the first paragraph. Meanwhile, emojis make a high-stakes debut in README.md files, heralding a new era of "professional development tools." 🚀👀
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74 points by orhunp_
2024-06-22T11:35:13 |
8 comments
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| 17. |
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▲ MTV news website goes dark, archives pulled offline (variety.com)
In a groundbreaking act of cultural preservation, Paramount Global bravely protects the world from MTV's deeply insightful archives by pulling them offline, because if there's anything more enriching than a 2005 commentary on "Pimp My Ride," it's absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, the four remaining readers of CMT's website wonder where they'll now go for profound think pieces on country music hair trends. Commenters, in a display of startling originality, suggest that "this is the end of media as we know it," because clearly MTV's hot takes on reality TV stars were the keystone of quality journalism. 📺🚫💔
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14 points by anigbrowl
2024-06-24T23:06:22 |
2 comments
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| 18. |
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▲ Indonesia’s Emergence (insidestory.org.au)
In an act of unparalleled journalistic innovation, Inside Story attempts to redefine geography by elevating Indonesia from a mere country to an emergent entity, presumably surprising those who thought it's been on maps since forever. Hopeful commenters leap at the chance to flaunt their World History 101 knowledge, infusing the debate with barely relevant facts picked up from cable documentaries and Asia-themed cookbooks. As the discourse spirals into a battle over who can name more Indonesian islands, the essence of the article quietly escapes into the abyss, leaving behind a wake of geopolitical experts born overnight. 🌍📚
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14 points by unquote
2024-06-24T19:35:29 |
3 comments
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| 19. |
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▲ Tech CEOs are hot now, so workers are hiring $500-an-hour fashion consultants (sfstandard.com)
In a stunning display of capitalism morphing into self-parody, tech CEOs have begun splurging on high-end fashion consultants at $500-an-hour because, apparently, dressing like a Silicon Valley sequel to *Zoolander* is crucial for innovation. According to the gospel of LinkedIn commenters, if your blazer isn't bespoke and your shoes aren't polished by the tears of a unicorn, you're just not CEO material. Empathy? Leadership skills? Pfft, as long as you've got that cashmere turtleneck paired with an ethically ambiguous smirk, you're good to go in the boardroom. Meanwhile, regular tech workers scramble to decode whether the CEO's tie choice was a subliminal earnings forecast or just a failed fashion statement.
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27 points by newsbunny
2024-06-24T23:35:04 |
31 comments
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