Quacker News daily superautomated ai tech-bro mockery | github | podcast
1. ▲ Spice: Fine-grained parallelism with sub-nanosecond overhead in Zig (github.com/judofyr)
🚀 Welcome to Spice: The latest attempt to squeeze every nanosecond of efficiency out of fine-grained parallelism, because throwing hardware at the problem is just too mainstream. 🧐 The GitHub crew is buzzing — half can't seem to decide if "sub-nanosecond" is a real metric or smoke and mirrors, while the other half is busy worshiping the ground the coders walk on for their "groundbreaking" heartbeat scheduling. Spoiler: it's mostly just a proof of concept, but don't tell that to the zealots arguing over theoretical performance gains as if they're going to refactor all their legacy systems with this over the weekend. Stay tuned for the Spice GitHub Issues Page — it's going to be a rollercoaster of unchecked optimism versus soul-crushing reality checks. 🎢🍿
103 points by dsp_person 2024-08-12T23:01:37 | 7 comments
2. ▲ Repair and Remain (2022) (comment.org)
🙄 In today’s episode of "I Read Half an Article and Became a Guru," comment.org dribbles out a homily on *why paying people to fix things is actually self-care*, triggering an avalanche of DIY saints in the comments. 🛠️ One hero turns mowing his lawn into a spiritual retreat, while another dreams of an "undo" button for life's pesky non-digital mistakes. And, oh, the agony and enlightenment of tricky car repairs that make one commenter want to hurl furniture from a window. 💡 Prepare for a masterclass in conflating home repairs with existential philosophy, because handymen are just therapists you can pay to unclog your drains.
428 points by yarapavan 2024-08-12T16:06:42 | 173 comments
3. ▲ There Is No Antimemetics Division (2018) (qntm.org)
**There Is No Antimemetics Division (2018) (qntm.org)**
In a daring bid to appear intellectual while actually pushing digital pages about forgettable concepts, qntm.org redefines irony by discussing ideas meant to be inherently unshareable, yet markets a whole book about them. Commenters, in a delightful display of missing the point, deeply connect with these "unshareable" ideas, waxing lyrical about everything from their personal life crises to unrelated tech and fantasy books. One reader even claims the book as a life-changing classic, likely forgetting they can't even remember why. In this chaotic mix of self-contradiction and broad philosophical shots in the dark, perhaps the true antimeme is why anyone thinks their "profound" take here is anything short of hilarious. 🤔
494 points by squircle 2024-08-12T13:37:42 | 171 comments
4. ▲ Show QN: I built an animated 3D bookshelf for ebooks (github.com/mawise)

Show HN: The Quest for a Less Boring PDF Reader


In yet another earth-shattering innovation for digital hoarders, a plucky Hacker News user submits a "3D animated bookshelf" to revolutionize the mundane act of selecting an ebook. Because nothing says "I read" like spending hours on visual gimmicks instead of, you know, actually reading.


Commenters, likely nostalgic for the three-dimensional joys of actual bookshelves, fawn over the digitally resurrected spine views, while engaging in the customary competitive reminiscence of "I thought of this first back when VR was just a twinkle in Zuckerberg's eye." Meanwhile, practical considerations such as ease of title reading and functionality die a quiet, mournful death to a chorus of "super cool!" and desperate requests for spine databases. Truly, we are witnessing the pinnacle of tech innovation.
154 points by mawise 2024-08-12T17:53:36 | 33 comments
5. ▲ Open source laser microphone picks up laptop keystrokes (wired.com)
In a feeble attempt to democratize espionage, Wired regurgitates the plot of a 90s hacker movie to introduce the latest alarming use of technology: using lasers to spy on your extremely important, national-security-threatening diary entries. Hacker Samy Kamkar throws a bunch of money at a project just to prove it can be done, while eager commenters salivate over the potential to recreate their own spy fantasies on a budget. The irony that no one has the time or interest to actually spy on them is lost amidst technical jargon and references to outdated pop culture. One commenter wisely points out that a heavy curtain merely dismisses this high-tech paranoia, but don’t worry—their counter-countermeasure is already to just open the window. 🕵️🔴🔍
67 points by bookofjoe 2024-08-10T14:48:13 | 13 comments
6. ▲ Federal appeals court finds geofence warrants "categorically" unconstitutional (eff.org)
The Federal Fifth Circuit has gallantly declared geofence warrants a no-go, aligning perfectly with the EFF's glittering dreams of a surveillance-free utopia. Commenters, in a show of unmatched legal expertise garnered from years of watching courtroom dramas, debate the nuances of "good faith" exceptions and parallel construction like they're finalists in a mock court competition. Given the court's decision, armchair lawyers on the internet reassure us that our future ventures outside with our smartphones might finally be free from Big Brother's watchful eyes, overlooking the minor hiccup that geofence data can still play peekaboo in ongoing investigations. So sleep tight and text freely, because the comment section has it all figured out. 🕵️‍♂️📱💬
322 points by computerliker 2024-08-12T19:57:57 | 121 comments
7. ▲ Faster Docker builds using a remote BuildKit instance (blacksmith.sh)
**Faster Docker Builds: Leverage Your Free Time Waiting!**

In a world where developers might actually enjoy their coffee still hot, Blacksmith introduces a mind-blowing concept: using *fancy* remote AWS BuildKit instances to get Docker builds done before the heat death of the universe. Because waiting 30 minutes for a build is apparently a problem searching desperately for a more complicated solution. Commenters compete in a low-key humblebrag fest about whose microservices can compile faster than a teapot whistles—of course, all while claiming total confusion about what ancient tech practices necessitate such lengthy build times. Meanwhile, others dream of returning to the golden age of "big iron" machines, lamenting over modern CI practices like someone yearning for the return of the floppy disk. 😢💾
11 points by adityamaru 2024-08-13T00:11:04 | 6 comments
8. ▲ NASA investigation finds Boeing hindering Americans' return to moon (flyingmag.com)
**Boeing Struggles to Rocket Past Competence**

In a shocking revelation that surprises precisely no one, Boeing has made a mess of the incredibly simple task of building a rocket to send Americans back to the moon. The latest audit report can basically be summarized as "Boeing couldn't weld its way out of a paper bag," and despite creating a cataclysm of delays and budget bloats, NASA hasn't taken their piggy bank away. Commenters, swinging between amateur welding critics and corporate conspiracy theorists, suggest everything from punitive fines to simply hiring welders who don’t think "aluminum strong like ox!" is a manufacturing plan. It's like watching a group of flat-earthers plan a space trip—entertaining but ultimately horrifying. 🚀😱
126 points by hobermallow 2024-08-12T20:38:27 | 87 comments
9. ▲ A camera that shoots 40k FPS decided the 100-meter sprint final (petapixel.com)
In an era defined by technological marvels, PetaPixel has once again managed to strike deep into the core of mundanity by hyping up a camera that shoots at 40,000 FPS as the unlikely hero of sprint finals. Commenters, flexing their "actually" muscles, dive bomb into a whirlpool of technical details, drowning the essence of athleticism in pixel-peeping pedantry and historical comparisons as if the fate of humanity hinges on strip photography techniques. It’s impressively clear that while the athletes train hard to shave milliseconds off their time, the readers would rather bask in the soothing glow of a screen displaying "astonishing" 40k FPS glory. So, grab your goggles – we’re doing deep dives on exposure times instead of appreciating human speed and agility! 🏃💨📷
148 points by wallflower 2024-08-11T12:11:22 | 113 comments
10. ▲ FCC seek comments on NextNav petition for rulemaking on lower 900MHz ISM band (fcc.gov)
**FCC Gives Away Airwave Candy Store: Outrage and Confusion Ensue**

The FCC has once more decided to consider tweaking the electromagnetic spectrum and, as expected, the technorati are tumbling out of the woodwork to spit their proverbial pacifiers across the floor of public comment section. One genius suggests a merry-go-round of spectrum auctions to ensure no one feels too comfy with their radio frequencies—because apparently, technology must bow to the great god of capitalism. Another scholar finds it completely baffling that, in a landscape littered with technological relics, anyone could continue to use old tech without yearly tributes to the spectrum gods. Meanwhile, a rebel voice cries for the sanctity of the 2.4 GHz band, clearly ready to chain themselves to their aging router in protest. Who knew airwaves could stir such drama? 📻🤡
108 points by pera 2024-08-12T17:08:12 | 71 comments
11. ▲ Apple's requirements are about to hit creators and fans on Patreon (patreon.com)
In the thrilling digital saga of who can gouge whom more effectively, Apple emerges as the champion Scrooge, levying fees so high that even the platform behemoths squirm. Patreon users panic at the thought of their beloved site being swindled in the open daylight by Big Tech tax collectors, while commenters fire up their virtual pitchforks, passionately debating whether a Patreon app—or indeed, *any* app—serves a greater purpose than as a digital landfill. One brilliant strategist suggests jettisoning the app for web-based access, while another waxes philosophical about the underlying economics of digital distribution, revealing complexities reminiscent of string theory, but less understood. Meanwhile, the average reader wonders if this financial thriller is worth the ad they just accidentally clicked on. 🍿
733 points by miiiiiike 2024-08-12T14:34:46 | 648 comments
12. ▲ Distributed == Relational (frest.substack.com)
**Title: Distributed == Relational? More Like Confused == Author**

In another episode of "Tech Jargon Jamboree," an enthusiastic blogger tries to convince the world that upserts are the hot new foundation for distributed systems, because why not throw SQL into everything? Commenters, armed with their very own copies of "Databases for Dummies," quickly chip in to debunk, derail, and digress. One sage soul wonders if relational algebra was left behind during the author's last database reboot, while another mourns the misuse of SQL, apparently the only language they've ever met and loved. Overall, the consensus is that everyone's confused, but at least they’re confused together. 🤷‍♂️
20 points by crowdhailer 2024-08-12T21:08:15 | 3 comments
13. ▲ History of Hacker News Search from 2007 to 2024 (trieve.ai)
**History of Redundancy: The Saga of Hacker News Search**

In a thrilling dive into the mundane, an enthusiastic history wizard delves into the Jurassic era of Hacker News search functionalities, proving that even the most forgotten corners of internet utilities can be dusted off for a nostalgia trip. As Trieve gears up to launch yet another search engine to solve a problem that, let's be honest, nobody really has, the Hacker News community erupts into tales of past glories where "JavaScript required" pop-ups were the peak of technological annoyances. Commenters battle fiercely over trivialities, like whether Algolia’s inclusion of a minus sign in searches counts as innovation, while others philosophize over the good old days of less intuitive UI. Each nostalgic claim is a stark reminder that, in the relentless pursuit to reinvent the wheel, everyone forgot we had flying cars now. 🚀💾😅
86 points by skeptrune 2024-08-12T20:27:27 | 46 comments
14. ▲ Just Say It, Henry (lrb.co.uk)
🤔 Henry James plays literary "Hot or Not" with his own works, crafting the ultimate snub-fest called the New York Edition. Despite his intent to be "frely colloquial," he ends up sounding more like a verbose Victorian uncle trying to use Snapchat. Commenters, undeterred by the actual content, dive into a battle of who can spew the most pretentious James-esque sentence, while occasionally debating the merits of disowning their own early social media posts. 💬🎩
5 points by benbreen 2024-08-08T05:52:19 | 0 comments
15. ▲ Queues invert control flow but require flow control (enterpriseintegrationpatterns.com)
Title: Why We Can't Have Nice Things: The Queue Conundrum

Once again, the enterpriseintegrationpatterns.com sages grace us with an earth-shattering revelation: queues are important in asynchronous systems. Who knew, right? Brace yourself as the article dives into the exhilarating world of queues requiring "flow control" – a concept so arcane, it’s almost like you need a PhD to understand high school physics. Meanwhile, the comment section quickly devolves into a merry-go-round of the most tangentially related metaphors, from conveyor belts to Turing tapes, proving that no one actually understands the article but everyone loves pretending they do. 🎢🤓
15 points by alexzeitler 2024-08-08T20:22:52 | 3 comments
16. ▲ Workers are stuck in place because everyone is too afraid of a recession to quit (boredbat.com)
In today's riveting episode on Boredbat.com, we learn that workers are paralyzed by the sheer terror of an impending recession, choosing to cling to their mediocre jobs like a life raft in the Titanic's North Atlantic. The comment sections blossom into a tragicomic display of Stockholm syndrome, with grown professionals bragging about how they've mastered the art of sitting still. "Why risk a new job when you can safely stagnate and reminisce about the good old days of potential 30% raises and job hopping?" they muse. As fear trumps ambition, everyone eagerly awaits the next non-move in this thrilling game of corporate musical chairs where the music stopped long ago. 🎶😱
81 points by paulpauper 2024-08-12T21:36:56 | 52 comments
17. ▲ Making earthly paradise: The art and crafts of William Morris (the-tls.co.uk)
In the latest outbreak of historical nostalgia, The Times Literary Supplement unleashes "Making earthly paradise: The art and crafts of William Morris," a heart-thumpingly earnest reappraisal of a man whose most notable achievement was convincing the world that throwing twirly leaves on everything constitutes high art. As expected, readers who barely remember how to sew a button are now proclaiming themselves bewitched by Morris' "radical craftsmanship," while subtly hinting that their own IKEA furniture assembly prowess surely aligns them with Morris’ artisanal spirit. Between the lines, we can almost hear the rustle of hemp smocks being ordered online as one commenter bravely declares their intent to "embrace the artisanal lifestyle," likely by repurchasing the same mass-produced floral print they mistakenly threw out last spring. We await the inevitable blog posts about failed attempts at hand-weaving curtains from organic cruelty-free wool. ⚒️🌿
35 points by prismatic 2024-08-08T19:51:53 | 0 comments
18. ▲ Launch QN: Synnax (YC S24) – Unified hardware control and sensor data streaming
**Launch HN: Synnax - Unified Hardware Control: The Future is Now, and It's Nicely Packaged Middleware!**

In today's episode of "My Startup Can Beat Up Your Enterprise Software," we witness the birth of Synnax, a HN darling daring to fight the telemetric titans with its shiny unified hardware control and sensor data extravaganza. Commenters, dazzled by the prospect of not gluing together seventeen different legacy systems to see when their machines last coughed, froth at the virtual mouth with awe. One nostalgic coder recalls the good old days of hacking away at CSV files "big as a small elephant," while another dreams of wedging themselves between the "big boys" like it's prom night all over again. The founders, riding high on Asimov vibes, are just happy they thought the name sounded cool. Future plans include potentially emailing someone for help—because hey, who actually plans post-launch? 🚀🤷‍♂️
20 points by embonilla 2024-08-12T17:55:07 | 19 comments
19. ▲ Go is my hammer, and everything is a nail (maragu.dev)
In a hilarious twist of faithfulness to his one true love, a software savant proclaims that learning a programming language is not unlike a medieval quest, requiring the better part of a decade to master. Indeed, the preferred dialect is "Go," because who needs efficiency when your lifetime commitment can be to a tool resembling a rusty hammer? Commenters rush to support this digital monogamy, espousing the virtues of depth over breadth, and casually flexing their "contribution" to language evolution in between sips of artisanal coffee and keystrokes. Meanwhile, every once in a while, a lone voice questions whether maybe, just maybe, this saintly patience is somewhat absurd, only to be drowned out by the chants of hardcore language purists, proving once more that in the tech world, productivity is less about output and more about sounding profound on forums. 🛠️💻🔮
207 points by markusw 2024-08-12T12:59:34 | 332 comments
20. ▲ Damn Vulnerable UEFI (github.com/hacking-support)
Title: "Introducing Damn Vulnerable UEFI: Hackers' New Playground"

In a bold stride toward making sure every script kiddie can pretend to be a 1337 haxor, the new Damn Vulnerable UEFI toolkit arrives, promising to transform complete novices into firmware security experts overnight. Presented at Black Hat USA by shiny-slide aficionados, this toolkit allows you to poke at UEFI vulnerabilities from the comfort of your mom's basement. Watch as hobbyist hackers and seasoned commenters alike dive into the endless depths of 'strategic mitigations,' guided by a documentation labyrinth that would make Kafka weep. Isn't personal growth via publicly shared vulnerabilities what the internet was made for? 🤓🔐
28 points by cloudripper 2024-08-12T19:04:16 | 0 comments
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