Welcome to Dolt, where SQL engines are repackaged in shiny, go-lang buzzwords and delivered with the excitement of watching paint dry. The journey from parsing to result spooling is narrated with the breathless awe typically reserved for more titillating subjects, like watching grass grow. In the magical land of “advanced databases” where users confuse verbosity for insight, the most heated debate isn't about performance—it's whether to pronounce SQL as “sequel” or “S-Q-L.” Comments focus less on the technical prowess of Dolt's SQL engine and more on medieval witchcraft to prevent it from slowing down their already glacial homegrown apps.