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1. ▲ Niantic announces "Large Geospatial Model" trained on Pokémon Go player data (nianticlabs.com)
Title: **Niantic Harnesses the Power of Unsuspecting Pokémon Trainers for Corporate Benefit**

In a bold move that barely conceals its intent to monetize the weary legs of its relentless user base, Niantic announces a "Large Geospatial Model" that sounds more like a fancy term for "We’ve been using your data, thanks!" As Pokémon Go players worldwide cry *exploitation*, Niantic reassures them that they're pioneering AI by turning playful jaunts into unpaid data harvesting sessions. Commenters, oscillating between outrage and resignation, delve into the ethics of digital serfdom with the usual naive hope that maybe Google will throw them a bone this time. Spoiler: They won't. Meanwhile, the "Pokehunters" ponder a GDPR-fueled existential crisis: if their data vanishes, does Niantic's model fall apart, or is it just another day of corporate gains built on collective oblivion? 🕵️‍♂️🔍
148 points by bookstore-romeo 2024-11-19T20:02:05 1732046525 | 100 comments
2. ▲ Weight-loss drug found to shrink heart muscle in mice, human cells (ualberta.ca)

Weight-Loss Wonders Wilt Hearts: The Skinny on Shrunken Muscles


In a world where thinner is synecdochically better, University of Alberta scientists drearily note that those miracle "shrink your girth" drugs might just also munch on your heart muscle. Care to lose weight? Prepare to lose heart—literally. Commenters, showcasing a blend of pseudo-nutritionist wisdom and Google PhDs, debate whether these findings are more heart-breaking or muscle-aching while ponderously dissecting their personal diet diaries. Meanwhile, Ozempic becomes the new scapegoat for everything from flabby arms to the fall of Western civilization, with a side of fries. 🍟💔
92 points by Eumenes 2024-11-20T23:53:25 1732146805 | 92 comments
3. ▲ What is the origin of the lake tank image that has become a meme? (2021) (history.stackexchange.com)
In a stunning display of historical acumen, users at history.stackexchange.com dive into the depths of a lake to retrieve the moldy old meme of a tank submerged in water. Because when you need to know about Internet humor, why wouldn't you consult British lore and Monty Python sketches? The commenters joust mightily with their half-remembered history lessons, occasionally surfacing for air with a Python quote, bravely ignoring the encircling sharks of historical inaccuracies and reveling in the glory of their misremembered medieval sanitation trivia. Meanwhile, everyone conveniently forgets the question was about a **tank**. 🤦‍♂️
473 points by napolux 2024-11-20T13:30:03 1732109403 | 105 comments
4. ▲ Show QN: Self-Host Next.js in Production (github.com/opennextjs)
**HackerNews Theater: Another Moment of Open Source Masochism**

Today on HackerNews, another ragtag open-source hero lands a killer blow on the tyranny of Vercel’s model with the revolutionary OpenNext, a project apparently so groundbreaking that its mere existence merits the sacrifice of both developer time and sanity. In a sea of bewildered comments questioning the value add of packaging Yet Another Serverless Adapter™ for deploying web frameworks that users aren't quite sure they needed in the first place, the maintainers doggedly assure them of their crucial role in the fight against corporate lock-in. Meanwhile, someone’s desperate request for help with image caching quirks swiftly descends into a battle about infrastructural tooling ideology. Where else but in the comments section might one find such a dazzling array of hope, confusion, and technical one-upmanship? 🍿
53 points by vednig 2024-11-20T22:07:54 1732140474 | 32 comments
5. ▲ Z-Library Helps Students to Overcome Academic Poverty, Study Finds (torrentfreak.com)
TorrentFreak breaks the revolutionary news: Z-Library is the modern Robin Hood for the destitute scholars among us! 🎓💸 Commenters, in a display of unsurprising internet wisdom, answer an age-old question: "Can you believe some people still buy books?" Meanwhile, a brave soul wonders why 18% of people are party poopers who don't think piracy is a one-size-fits-all solution to academic impoverishment. Perhaps it’s those darned ethics again, or maybe it's just that reading "War and Peace" on a Nokia 3310 isn’t that appealing. Whatever the reason, the internet has spoken, and books are officially free (if you ignore legality, morality, and the tiny text on your cracked phone screen).
68 points by hn_acker 2024-11-20T23:36:10 1732145770 | 7 comments
6. ▲ AlphaQubit: AI to identify errors in Quantum Computers (blog.google)
AlphaQubit: The Latest AI Charade by Google to Pretend We're Close to Quantum Utopia

Google triumphantly declares their new AI, AlphaQubit, can "identify errors" in quantum computers, as if the tech wasn't already a noisy mess only comprehensible to five people on Earth. 🙄 Cue the article comments: a muddled blend of tech-optimists and doomsayers where someone explains quantum mechanics like it's a knock-off "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, while another user invokes von Neumann as if dropping names could stabilize qubits. Most commenters can't decide if they're attending a funeral or a product launch, illustrating that quantum computing's biggest leap is its ability to sustain two conflicting states of hype and doubt simultaneously. Bravo, Google, for keeping everyone equally confused and hopeful! 🎭
84 points by roboboffin 2024-11-20T18:37:04 1732127824 | 35 comments
7. ▲ Vapi (YC W21) Is Hiring Founding Senior Engineer (Front End) (ashbyhq.com)
In an audacious display of Silicon Valley originality, Vapi, a startup you've never heard of, desperately seeks a "Founding Senior Engineer." Defining ambition as using the latest React hooks to revolutionize the undefined market, the job promises "equity" in lieu of real compensation. Commenters, tripping over themselves to showcase their disregard for job stability, compete in a rhetorical battle to prove who can feign more enthusiasm for this groundbreaking opportunity in "disruption." Meanwhile, actual engineers quietly weep into their ergonomic keyboards.
0 points by 2024-11-21T01:00:39 1732150839 | 0 comments
8. ▲ AAA – Analytical Anti-Aliasing (frost.kiwi)
**AAA – Analytical Anti-Aliasing (frost.kiwi)**

In today's thrilling episode of "Old Problems, New Buzzwords," we journey through the mystic lands of Anti-Aliasing, where the illustrious protagonist, Analytical Anti-Aliasing, promises to defeat the archaic evil known as jaggies with *ease*. Marvel as decades of research culminate in multiple flavors of technology spaghetti—from SSAA's greedy pixel-eating habits to DLAA's desperate plea for relevance through machine learning. Web commenters—a brigade armed with anecdotes and URL-heavy dissertations—rally around this revolutionary cause, providing critical insights like "Neat" and pondering the monumental implications of road segment meshes on their non-gamedev gaming experiences. Are we just one algorithm away from graphical nirvana, or is this another case of tech enthusiasts dancing around the same fire, hoping it doesn’t burn out? Spoiler: bring marshmallows. 🌈✨
448 points by todsacerdoti 2024-11-20T08:03:20 1732089800 | 59 comments
9. ▲ SQL, Homomorphisms and Constraint Satisfaction Problems (philipzucker.com)
**SQL, Homomorphisms and Constraint Satisfactions Problems Dare to Dream?**

In yet another dizzying display of SQL wizardry, Philip Zucker tackles the thrilling world of solving complex puzzles with database queries, revealing just how _bored_ one must be to use SQL for graph instruction matching. The commentary quickly devolves into an academic slugfest over the merits of homomorphisms and constraint satisfaction, with each commenter desperately trying to remind others of their own profound understanding of theoretical computer science. One daring soul attempts to tangentially discuss the optimization of static subexpressions in SQLite, only to be met with impassioned replies that oscillate between pedantic corrections and thinly veiled sarcasm. It’s like watching a group of nerds arguing over who gets the last slice of pizza, each equipped with theorems instead of appetites. 🍕💻
106 points by xlinux 2024-11-20T17:07:18 1732122438 | 10 comments
10. ▲ Bit-twiddling optimizations in Zed's Rope (zed.dev)
In an impressive demonstration of both technological overkill and misplaced nostalgia, engineering hobbyists wax poetic on bit-twiddling optimizations in something called Zed's Rope, as seen on zed.dev. As the internet’s armchair programmers engage in a fierce text-editor warfare, they deliver passionate soliloquies about the potential of multicore and GPU enhancements for their beloved relics of software. One side sings the praises of Zed’s sleek interface and revolutionary avoidance of feature bloat, while the opposing faction clings stoically to Emacs—because software isn't worth using unless you need a computer science degree to configure your text editor. Adding to the mire, cries for understanding go unheard over the din of users recounting war stories about Emacs handling multi-megabyte lines back when "All Star" by Smash Mouth was topping the charts. Meanwhile, productivity in typing out actual words remains conspicuously absent from the discussion, blithely overshadowed by the sweet allure of theoretical performance gains. 🤓💾
76 points by misternugget 2024-11-18T16:39:10 1731947950 | 26 comments
11. ▲ Show QN: Autotab – Programmable AI browser for turning web tasks into APIs
Welcome to another episode of Hacker News Theatre, where the dreams of automating even your coffee breaks are alive and well! 🎭 Today's star, Autotab, promises to turn your chaotic web tasks into neat little APIs, because why click buttons when you can script an existential crisis in JavaScript? Users are *delighted* with error messages like it's 1995 all over again—except this time, they have AI to blame. Meanwhile, the comment section doubles as a support group, where brave souls share tales of squandered free minutes and the zen art of debugging someone else's "capable" code. Will Autotab revolutionize the web or just generate more tech support jobs? Stay tuned, and don't touch that refresh button!
49 points by jonasnelle 2024-11-20T20:22:32 1732134152 | 28 comments
12. ▲ Google stops letting sites like Forbes rule search for "Best CBD Gummies" (arstechnica.com)
**Google Discovers Spam in 2023: Humanity Rejoices**
In a stunning display of realizing the obvious only decades late, Google proudly announces its crackdown on SEO abuses by heavy hitters like Forbes. Apparently, no matter how many high-class dinners and corporate retreats we've had, people are still shocked - shocked! - to find that SEO spam is undermining the sanctity of their sacred 'Best CBD Gummies' searches. Comment sections, brimming with the combined knowledge of a 2003 Google internal memo, wonder loudly and with great sophistication why all this feels like déjà vu. Meanwhile, a stray commenter laments the fall from grace of mythical good search results, but really, who needs accurate information when you can have ads? 🎉🥳💰
135 points by pseudolus 2024-11-20T21:07:28 1732136848 | 76 comments
13. ▲ Undergraduates with family income below $200k will be tuition-free at MIT (news.mit.edu)
MIT heroically decides to give free lessons in elitism to anyone with parents raking in less than an embarrassingly bourgeois $200,000 per year. Hacker News humbly brags about personal trials and tribulations regarding the exploitation of small business loopholes and the IRS tango. Commenters engage in an epic battle to showcase their own financial acumen, mostly proving that they should stick to their day jobs. Meanwhile, actual potential students worry quietly about whether they'll ever need to know what an S corporation is just to study Physics.
285 points by gnabgib 2024-11-20T16:59:33 1732121973 | 199 comments
14. ▲ How good are American roads? (construction-physics.com)
Today on construction-physics.com, another groundbreaking exposé reveals the shocking truth: roads used by cars are sometimes bad! The insightful gem that urban roads suffer due to more traffic and reckless utility patch-work is sure to ignite a spark in the ongoing dumpster fire of urban planning discussions. Commenters, armed with the unparalleled wisdom of noticing blue plastic circles and comparing modern roadwork policies to those from the era of Hammurabi, dive deep into how not to manage public works. A grand melee of anecdotes ranging from Atlanta's pothole gardens to the fabled steel plate lakes of city streets, all while hilariously failing to address why their latest hole-patching binge is about as effective as screaming at concrete to harden faster. 🚧🕳️🤡
158 points by chmaynard 2024-11-20T14:45:23 1732113923 | 356 comments
15. ▲ Bird flu in Canada may have mutated to become more transmissible to humans (theguardian.com)
**Bird Flu Boogaloo: Canada Edition** 🦠🇨🇦

Brace yourselves, pandemic enthusiasts! The latest teen sensation isn't a TikTok dance but bird flu caught in British Columbia, possibly mutating to become the next big hit among humans. Scientists, in their eternal quest to remind us they're still relevant, are all flustered and fluttery, warning that the U.S. sucks at testing — shocking news if you've just emerged from a cave. Comment sections are afire with armchair virologists and doomsday preppers making a seamless shift from political pundits to infectious disease experts, because, apparently, Googling symptoms now equals a PhD. And yes, in the midst of it all, we are reminded just how unprepared everyone is — just in case you missed that memo during COVID-19's world tour.
40 points by amichail 2024-11-20T23:11:36 1732144296 | 7 comments
16. ▲ Europe's Internet resilience mitigates impact of submarine cable cuts (cloudflare.com)
Behold, the internet once again proves its invincibility against cable-cutting supervillains, thanks to European resilience, or so Cloudflare claims. Cue a parade of armchair experts in the comments, pondering how long until an attacker turns the ocean floor into a high-stakes game of Minesweeper. One hero, dazzled by the magic of optical cable splicing, gets a crash course via YouTube links as though they’re collecting DIY badges on how to single-handedly rebuild the internet. Meanwhile, conspiracy theories about sabotaged cables flourish, because why blame poor infrastructure when you can imagine underwater espionage thriller scenarios? 🕵️‍♂️💥
88 points by hampus 2024-11-20T22:10:31 1732140631 | 16 comments
17. ▲ Does the Internet Route Around Damage? – Baltic Sea Cable Cuts (ripe.net)
In a thrilling development that nobody outside a small cadre of network engineers genuinely understands, the RIPE Atlas team heroically battles the ***mysterious*** severing of some underwater Internet cables in the Baltics, armed only with graphs and IP addresses. The only thing rivalling the complexity of these events is the half-baked expertise of the comment section, where armchair analysts peddle conspiracy theories alongside misunderstood networking principles. Does the Internet route around damage? Sure, but the real question is: can it route around the sheer amount of uninformed commentary erupting every time a cable gets a scratch? 📡🌐🔪
36 points by voytec 2024-11-20T18:30:59 1732127459 | 4 comments
18. ▲ La Basilica Di San Pietro (microsoft.com)
In an earth-shattering reveal of digital nostalgia, Microsoft nostalgics crawl out of the woodwork on microsoft.com to wax poetic about the software behemoth's historic attempt to make 3D reconstructions of photographs, this time featuring the epic La Basilica Di San Pietro. Commentators trade memories of this tech relic like forbidden lore, with one free spirit wondering if WebGL and Gaussian Splats might resurrect it from oblivion. Meanwhile, tourists trapped in philosophical reminiscence insist you need to "be there, man" to truly grasp the massive scale of religious excess and gold-lined corridors, while another adds a spiritual twist, musing if the Almighty's blueprint for humanity might be etched in precious metals and historical grandeur. Yet, amidst exaltations of its splendor are whispers of the deep sadness and squalor overshadowed by monumental cathedrals, prompting a practical soul to remind everyone else that, yes, even in medieval times, job creation was a thing, maybe. Gods and tech unite in this bittersweet symphony of awe and 404 errors. 💾⛪🔍
120 points by geox 2024-11-20T15:15:16 1732115716 | 55 comments
19. ▲ Between the Booms: AI in Winter – Communications of the ACM (acm.org)
In the latest farce from Communications of the ACM, AI has been doomed to eternal winter, inducing both yawns and existential dread in readers who thought they’d seen the last of grandiose tech cycles. Commenters, in their usual display of baffling wisdom, engage in a tired merry-go-round of “AI is overhyped but also revolutionary but also, did I mention, quite overhyped?” One gem of a comment suggests that if only this were a historical piece, maybe—just maybe—we’d escape the AI hype. Meanwhile, another brave soul uses the article as an opportunity to wax lyrical about their daily rendezvous with AI tools, defiantly mistaking personal anecdotes as a shield against the barrage of AI marketing fatigue. 🙄
49 points by rbanffy 2024-11-20T17:11:14 1732122674 | 34 comments
20. ▲ A Second Search for Bash Scripting Alternatives (monzool.net)
In a riveting sequel to "Hunting for not-Bash," a blog flits through the forbidden forests of alternatives to bash scripting, because change is good, or so our interlocutor insists. Monzool's not-so-monumental insight has resulted in another epoch-making blog post, daring to venture where few have the bandwidth to care. Comments meander through the usual suspects: Python, Rust, and the usual grumbling about PowerShell's esoteric charm - offering a veritable *smorgasbord* of scripting sass and partially rehashed wisdom 🙄. In the end, everyone agrees bash is terrible, but like that old, uncomfortable couch nobody wants to move, it seems destined to irksomely outstay its welcome.
9 points by thunderbong 2024-11-18T15:08:25 1731942505 | 12 comments
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